Now or never
by Ilse17
Summary: What if Lisbon took charge of the situation, and cleaned up the mess, as she always did in the past ? Set after 6 x 21. Jisbon in the end.
1. Chapter 1

Now that it was settled, why did the prospect of going to DC feel so wrong ? She had said "yes" on an impulse, after the stressful interview with Abbot. She had been suddendly tired of being dragged in Jane's tortuous schemes, tired of lying to his superiors. Life with Pike was safety, the possibility to be again a normal cop, with no nonsense, careful methods of investigation.

But now, listening to Pike speaking about their new life, she felt as if she was being trapped, with the looming impression she was forgetting something, something final. After dinner, pretending to be tired, she came back home alone. She felt bad about disappointing Pike, but she needed time alone to ponder over her too sudden decision, and to find out what kind of important factor it seemed she was missing.

At home, she went for seeking taking a beer in the fridge, but then decided for a cup of herbal tea. _Better for having clear __thoughts_, she decided. But she was fully aware it was just one of the many things that proved how much Jane had rubbed off on her.

Jane. She suddenly remembered her moment of utter panic when he had been arrested in front of her in the FBI bullpen. The prospect of Jane being sent to jail for years this time had chased any other thought in his head. During the long hours she had spent thinking of the way she would answer to the grand jury, she had been unable even to anwer to Pike's many phonecalls, ignoring them as she turned in her head, again and again, her worst fears and the best answers she could imagine to the incoming questioning. How would Jane cope with this new imprisonment ? He didn't seem to be that fine in the previous weeks, sleeping more and more often in the bullpen, taking more and more unnecessary risks, imagining some of the most devious schemes he'd ever had, and above all, being more withdrawn and secretive than he had ever been.… And in front of the jury, what could she answer if she was asked if Jane had ever told her that he planned to kill Red John ? What would Fisher say when she'd be asked about that fateful day ?

Lisbon sudenly straightened on her couch, her cup of tea forgotten. How well she remembered what kind of overwhelming feeling she had had for a moment. It was then, in that waiting room, while she was expecting to be summoned in front of the grand jury, that she had realised that she would never feel at peace and happy if she couldn't be sure that Jane felt the same. She would never feel safe as long as she would worry for Jane's safety and mental health. In spite of her nice relationship with Pike, Jane was still the most important person in her life, and it seemed that nothing could change that.

Then of course, she had learnt that all this had been a scam and that Jane, once more, had left her in the dark, as if she meant nothing for him, as if he didn't trust her at all. Later, she had forgiven him, well aware herself that she was not such a good actress that she could have concealed her lack of worry about the trial's outcome. She had forgiven him, but not completely, and she had dismissed the memory of what she had felt before the trial as an overreaction to Jane's predicament.

But then, he had shown up at her door, bringing canolis at a very unsuitable hour, telling her in that hoarse voice, loaded with repressed emotions, that all what he wanted was her to be happy. It didn't take a mentalist's insight to understand what it meant. Jane was miserable at the idea of her departure, but willing to endure it for her sake.

But what if the prospect of going to DC with Pike didn't make her that happy ? What if she told him so ?

She had tried once, when she had sat at his side on his couch, a very revealing gesture in itself, as she did it very seldom, and had never done it since she was with Pike. But then, her phone had rung and he had quietly told her to answer, as if he had not a clue about what she wanted to tell him.

Yet in fact, he knew it perfectly. He just didn't want her to say it.

Maybe it was at that very moment, and not when Pike had asked her again, that she had taken her decision to go to DC. Jane didn't want to talk about her feelings for him, because he'd never feel the same for her. As his ring testified it, he was forever in love with his dead wife, forever unable to move on because he felt responsible for her death. She was his friend, the most important person in his life, her incoming departure was eating him inside, but he'd never be able to offer what Pike could give her : a romantic relationship, a stable couple, possibly a family.

She had interpreted it that way, and had decided she had nothing left to do than to move on. For she wanted all this, before it was too late. Pike was a nice guy, she was attracted to him, and in time she may truly love him.

But then, it was Jane she was dealing with. What if she was wrong ? What if he had deceived her once again, for her own good, or so he thought ?

How could she have discarded, all along these last months, how damaged he was, whereas she was the one who knew him the best ?

Let's see.

On one hand, he had somehow avoided her, teaming with Fisher instead of her. He had flirted with Krystal, taken unnecessary risks on that case and on many other ones, knowing very well that she hated it, had decided to live in an airstream as if he wanted the possiblility to be elsewhere on a whim. He had kept from her that his indictment for murder was a scam, knowing that it would disappoint her a lot. It was as if he had purposefully pushed her away from him by showing her that he had not changed at all.

On another hand, he was still wearing, day after day, the socks she had given to him, which meant he had to wash them every evening, That kind of absurd, but somehow touching gesture was really a sign of how messed up he really was. And she had spent too much time with him to be fooled by his collected, smiling facade. It was not hard for her to see that the real zest for life, the capacity to enjoy small things and to live on them seemed to have deserted him. As well as his sleep. She had learnt long ago how to detect the signs of his worst periods of insomnia.

Whether it was because he was upset to lose his best friend of because he concealed different kind of feelings, Jane wasn't all right at all. And she had to face the truth : she had waited for him to step forward first, but he's never do it. He was too broken to move on by his own. And it seems that she couldn't do as if she didnt know it.

Yes, she suddenly realised that she couldn't go to DC without knowing exactly what was happening in that messed up head of his. For long, she had refrained from telling him about her true feelings, because she was afraid to cause him more pain by forcing him to deny her what she wanted of him. But now that she was going anyway, what was the point ? If she was only a friend for him, they would be both relieved that she was leaving. If he was in love with her, this was her last chance to find it out. She knew that what she was about to do didn't seem very fair to Pike. But in fact, even for him, she had to do it, because only that way she could have an honest relationship with him.

Lisbon stood up, exited and headed to the FBI bullpen. She knew Jane would be here.

It was now or never.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

When she arrived at the FBI office, Lisbon stayed a moment in her car at the parking lot, collecting her thoughts. To get the truth from Jane was not easy on a daily basis, but when he had set his mind to avoiding communication about something, it looked like a herculean task.

And then, she suddenly realised that to extort the truth from Jane, she had to beat him with his own arms : she had to lie to him. For the first time, she was to be the manipulative one. She'd con him into confessing his true feeling. And she knew exactly how.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hi everyone. Thank you for the nice reviews, and sorry for the very short chapter just before. It was too late form me to post anything else yesterday. Here's what I think that could happen between Lisbon and Jane, Teresa being her usual generous, insightful and compassionate self, and getting the truth from him. I can't imagine that after all they have shared and been through together, she could just walk away. And as it's obvious that Jane thinks he acts for the best by not asking Lisbon to stay, considering the package that goes with him (which is not to be denied) I thought that only she could save the day. Please tell me what you think.**

Lisbon entered the bullpen. At this hour, only remained the cleaning staff, but these past weeks, Jane had started again to stay there as long as he could.

She saw a recumbent form on the brown couch, and she thought a moment that he was asleep. She liked looking at him when he was asleep. He looked so innocent and uncharacteristically peaceful, it was one of the glimpses she could take on a younger, more carefree Jane, before the tragedy. But as she walked slowly toward him, she noticed his pained expression, the line between his closed eyes. He was not sleeping, he was brooding. Well, it was time to reach the core of the problem.

She put a hand on his shoulder, saying his name gently and as he openend his eyes, their forlorn expression made her feel as if she had been punched in the chest. But the tortured look disappeared so quicly that she could have doubted it had ever been there, if she hadn't know better. He was hurting and didn't want her to see it. As so many times in the past, she felt the urge to take him in her arms, to comfort him and snatch him from the grip of his suffering. But only words could do that.

"Lisbon ? Why are you here at this time ? What's wrong ?", he said.

Taking a deep breath, she began:

"I wanted to tell you that I decided not to go to DC. I already told it to Marcus. I have broken with him."

She had never lied so easily, as if she believed what she said, in perfect accordance to all the lessons in scam she had received from Jane. Maybe it was because at that moment, she wanted so much to be with him that it didn't seem to be a lie. She saw relief wash over him, immediately replaced by concern, but before he could say anything, she added :

"You told me you wanted me to be happy. What would make me happy is to be with you. I love you. I'm in love with you. I started a relationship with Marcus because I had the impression that you'd never feel the same for me. But I realise now that it was a mistake, it's not fair to him. If you don't feel the same, if you're not in love with me, if I'm only your best friend, just say it, and I'll ask Abbott to assign me to another team as soon as possible. But whatever you'll say, my relationship with Marcus is over."

She had decided to say that to be sure he wouldn't deny his feelings to make her go with Marcus, as obviously he thought it was the best choice for her. But as she was saying these words, she realised that she was not lying, that all what she had just said was true. She had to end her relationship with Marcus, whatever might happen between her and Jane. And before she could say anything else, she was suddenly wrapped in Jane's arms, feeling him sobbing uncontrollably against her. Then, his warm mouth was on hers. The kiss was perfection, the most new and the most familiar feeling altogether. Present, past and future disappeared in a moment of blissful eternity. She felt his hand all over her, and she realized that one of her own hands was in his soft curls she had wanted to touch for so long, her other hand making her way through his shirt. Twelve years of yearning, of desire stubbornly denied being about to be fulfilled at last.

Then a noise came from one of the offices, reminding them of where they were, and that they were not completely alone. With an effort, she pulled away and looked at him. He was panting slightly, his eyes intense on her, full of passion but of something else as well, the beginning of a doubt, of regrets. She realised that before they could go elsewhere and belong at last to each other, she had first to finish that conversation with him now and there, before he had time to collect himself and find other contorted reasons to deny them what they both wanted. She had to reach him out before he had the time to build again the defensive walls she had just shattered.

"Say it", she pleaded softly, "if you want me to be happy".

He took a long shuddering breath. "I love you, oh I love you so much", he whispered brokenly. "But it's not fair to you…. You deserve so much better."

"No matter what I actually deserve, it's you that I want, Patrick."

She saw his eyes shine at her words and at the use of his first name.

"I told you once not to take decisions for me", she added. "Will you ever listen ?"

"I didn't make the decision for you", he protested, "I tried to let you decide without interfering."

"And how could I have taken my decision freely", she answered, "if I didn't know some part of the situation, if I didn't know for sure that you loved me ? And now", she added before he could answer, "you're going to explain me all about the absurd reasons you have found to let me go away from you."

He sighed, with that look of uncertainty in his eyes he had when he wondered how much he was ready to share. But she knew she had shaken him emotionally to the point he was not able anymore to withhold many things.

"The reasons seem rather obvious to me, though. I'm a murderer on probation, likely to be sent back to jail as soon as it would suit the FBI. Abbott never fails to remind me of that now and then, and as recently as yesterday. To be with me would reflect badly on you, it could affect you career. You'd be considered as associated with me and my dubious methods."

"It's already the case, whatever. Do you think I care ? I'm proud of what we have done."

"Really ? Even of what we did yesterday to trap Ridley ? In DC, you could have started anew, and your association with me would have been forgotten."

"Stop talking about DC. That matter is settled. And don't tell me you chose to make us that miserable only because of my precious career. I can't believe that you didn't know what I feel for you. Tell me why you pretended not too. There must be other reasons."

His eyes darkened as she was saying she had been miserable, but he answered, with obvious effort.

"I thought I did know what you felt for me, when we were in Sacramento. In my island, all what prevented me from falling apart was the thought that you were safe, that I'd see you again some day. I kept trying to imagine ways to come back to you. When Fisher and Abbott contacted me, I knew it was a trap, but I decided to change it into a ticket back home, back to you… But then", he went on, his eyes suddenly full of pain, "you reminded me in that plane how exhausting and difficult it had been for you to work with me. I realized that you had decided to accept the job because it was actually a great opportunity, but that you'd rather not work with me, which was fully understandable, after all what I've done to you. Manipulating you, lying to you, abandoning you for six months in Vegas, betraying your trust and abandoning you on the road just after having confessed you how important you were to me... I knew all this was unforgivable."

"No, it isn't", she said quietly. "It hurted, yes. But I know that all you did was to protect me, according to your messed up way of reasoning... I'm sorry I hurt you that badly in the plane", she said guiltily. She really hadn' realized how devastating her words had been for him.

His eyes lightened again at her words. "Go on", she said. "It that the reason why you avoided me, even at work ?"

"Yes", he said. "I tried to give you space, by teaming with Fisher and not with you. I knew you were upset as well at the idea that everyone thought you'd had that job because you were my girlfriend. I decided to step away to let you prove them they were wrong. And that you did, very quickly. Then, you met Pike, and I thought that you'd have all what I had prevented you from having in the past, if I just kept myself out of the way. For I knew that all your chances of a personal life had been crushed by our hunt for Red John and your concern for me. You were trapped in my obsession for revenge, and your own unability to give up, even on a lost cause like me. I knew that eve nom you didn't feel completely free from me, and I wanted to help you to be."

"I don't regret these years", she said softly. "Someone had to do what we did. As for my personal life, I want to live it with you."

"Are you sure ?" , he whispered, "are you sure you want to share the life of a murderer ? For that's what I am, Teresa. I strangled the man with my own hands. We never talked about it, but I know you can't approve of that. You always told me you didn't."

She blinked at the blunt reminding, but she reached out and took his hand. "I said as much also because I wanted to prevent you from going for him without us. But I always secretely hoped that we could kill him during the arrest. I told you so, but you didn't believe me. Do you think Cho, Van Pelt, Rigsby and I would have stepped between you and Abbott, that famous day, if we hadn't be ready to let you kill Red John ? We knew that was what would happen…. unless he'd kill you. This was one of the most difficult moment of my life, Patrick, when I saw your car disappear , but it was because I knew you might be on the way to meet your death, not because I feared that you might become a murderer. At that moment, I actually hoped you would. No prison bar would have retained Mc Alister as long as the Blake association was not destroyed, and that took almost one year. Besides… if he had killed someone I loved deeply… such as you, I don't know what I'd been capable of myself".

There was relief in his eyes, but still doubt and guilt as well.

"You'd never have killed him that way, I'm sure of that. And in DC, you'd have started anew. With a nice, decent guy who deserves you."

"That's the core of the matter, isn't it, Patrick ?", she said slowly. "You think you doesn't deserve any kind of happiness. You're still stuck with the idea that you're responsible for the death of your family. You are not".

"If I hadn't taunted Red John on TV…"

"He may have come against your family nonetheless. You had started helping the police find him. Had you ever wondered how was it that he had been so close to your home that famous night ? Eight hours drive from Napa ? Isn't that a strange coincidence ?"Suddenly, there was nothing unspeakable anymore, and she felt free to share with him her long-held pondering over the night that had wrecked his life.

His eyes reflected the shock that this idea was for him.

"Whatever, if I hadn't helped the police …."

"But it was Angela's idea, wasn't it ?" Even uttering his wife's name was no more a taboo.

"She wanted me to stop being a con man. But that's what I am, Lisbon, and you deserve a so much better man than me."

"Is your unfunded feelings of guilt the reason why you never took off your ring ?"

He nodded. "I tried once. But I felt as if I tried to deny what I did to them. As if I killed them a second time."

"You DIDN'T kill them because you decided to use your skills for a good cause", she said, almost angrily. "I want you to stop blaming yourself for eveything. As for what you did for a living before that, even if you shared so little with me about your childhood, I know what kind of father you had, Patrick. I had the opportunity to speak a little with Sam you see, when we gave Kathleen back to her family. Conning people was all your father taught to you. And you became a kind, generous, courageous man in spite of him. Don't you dare thinking so poorly of yourself !"

Her heart ached any time she thought about the lonely, loveless childhood he'd had. No wonder if Angela's love had seemed to him some kind of miracle, and its loss, his ultimate demise.

"I want you to stop talking about what I deserve, and what you don't, once and for all', she said firmly. "You told me you wanted me to be happy. Are you ready to make me happy, even if it means to stop punishing yourself, and to be happy as well ?

'Yes, if you really think it's worth the try", he said, his eyes shining at last with complete, absolute hapiness, without any shadow, any kind of holding back.

"I'm sure YOU are worth it", she said firmly. "And it will not be a try, but a success."


End file.
